Dorian, The Flower Bud

At the beginning of the novel, Dorian is portrayed as a beautiful individual. Basil inadvertently introduces Dorian to Lord Henry and praises Dorian for his charming beauty. As Basil puts it, Dorian "has a simple and a beautiful nature." This implies that Dorian is in the state of pure beauty because he is not influenced by anyone. After Basil explains Dorian's nature, he demands Lord Henry to neither spoil him nor influence him, saying that "your influence would be bad." Basil's words act as a foreboding; they suggest that Dorian will be influenced by Lord Henry and lose his pure beauty.

Once a purely beautiful individual, Dorian Gray undergoes serious change in his character. When Lord Henry tells his view of the world, Dorian is initially perplexed. He says that Henry's words bewilder him, but this bewilderment turns out to tackle his "secret chord that had never been touched before." After going through this critical stage, contrary to his initial perplexity, Dorian gets completely absorbed into Henry's words. He listens to Lord Henry's praise of youth with wondering, open eyes. Eventually, "the sense of his own beauty came on him like a revelation," and Henry's magical words, different from Basil Hallward's compliments, somewhat influence his nature. Quickly Dorian embodies Henry's view on the world when he talks about talking during music to Lady Henry; she comments that his view is "Harry's view." Not only having the same perspective, Dorian "does everything that you[Lord Henry] say," putting Henry's words into action. Although Dorian is sometimes bothered by Henry's views, he develops a strong passion for sensation and pleasure, which is fundamentally similar to that of Lord Henry.

The pleasure-chasing Dorian experiences his initial stage of moral decline when he treats Sibyl with extreme callousness. Dorian first falls in love with Sibyl because he thinks that she is a fascinating actor. His love towards her is rather pure; Dorian is so fascinated that he follows Sibyl wherever she is on stage and is ready to totally devote himself to her. However, despite his mad love towards Sibyl, he coldly treats her when he is disappointed at her low quality acting. When Sibyl says that she could not act well because she was in love with him, Dorian coldly says that he would not see her again because she disappointed him. His cold action is fundamentally different from his past pleasure-seeking actions, such as enjoying the pleasant smell of flowers, in that his pleasure requires the sacrifice of others. When Dorian treats Sibyl with such coldness, he does not treat her as a human being anymore; for Dorian, Sibyl is just a pleasure-giving actor, so if she cannot act well, she must be harshly treated. The devastating impact of Dorian's words is clearly shown when Sibyl commits suicide, which indicates that Dorian's pleasure-seeking activity resulted in an extreme form of sacrifice. Because Dorian's action of harshly treating Sibyl is different from previous actions, the portrait of Dorian starts to show his moral decline by changing cruelly, acting as "the visible emblem of conscience." Despite Dorian's temporary return to his pure love, Dorian becomes more susceptible to Henry's words after experiencing such moral decline.

Apparently, the change of Dorian is attributed to Lord Henry, who notices that Dorian changes and is happy to influence him. However, Lord Henry is not the complete culprit of changing Dorian. Henry thinks that Dorian's change is caused because "his nature had developed like a flower, had borne blossoms of scarlet flame." This suggests that although Lord Henry significantly influences Dorian, Dorian's change can be attributed to his initial nature. This claim is partially true because Dorian epitomizes pure beauty, which is in itself susceptible and powerful. His pure beauty is susceptible to outside influences because it is pure, and it is powerful because it is capable of enthralling others. Because Dorian already possessed such beauty, Lord Henry's words strongly triggered him to become passionate in search for pleasure. Dorian's pure nature contained immense amount of power, which could be used in a good way or the opposite. Henry's words provided the initial direction of change of Dorian's pure beauty. Because such initial direction was hedonistic, Dorian naturally transformed into a hedonistic figure; the changing process involved severe events because Dorian started with great power embedded in his beauty.

To extend Lord Henry's metaphor on Dorian's nature, Dorian started as a flower bud, extremely beautiful and pure. The bud had to open when influenced by an outside force. Unfortunately, the influence was Lord Henry, a pleasure-seeking upper class. The love for plain pleasure and beauty smeared into the bud and it bloomed. The resulting flower was hedonistic, very similar to Lord Henry, but far more devastating because the flower bud had so much power. Eventually, the flower miserably fell into the soil of decadence, loss of beauty, and death.

A Day in the Restaurant

“Wang Jing, can you wash the dishes in the kitchen?”

Wang Jing’s mom spoke with a trembling voice.

“Yes mom. I will do my best.”

Wang Jing answered his mother’s question in a blunt manner, went to the kitchen, turned on the water facet, and started washing the dishes. He seemed to be irritated. He murmured some Chinese curse words and burped many times. Although 50 dishes were left, Wang Jing rubbed the same dish again and again. He seemed to feel a strange kind of pleasure while doing so. But this pleasure did not make him like washing dishes. He continued to mumble swear words.

Wang Jing also slipped one dish, breaking it into numerous pieces. He did not seem upset by his mistake. But his mistake was serious. His parents used made-in-China ceramics to serve food because the ceramics added a Chinese color to the food. These were more expensive than most dishes. His parents, who ran a Chinese restaurant in Virginia, were not rich people. One Chinese ceramic dish was important. Wang Jing just broke this precious dish.

His mother, shocked by the sound of a breaking dish, ran into the kitchen. Her eyes first saw the broken ceramics; then her eyes landed on the not-yet-cleaned dishes; finally, she slowly turned her head and looked at Wang Jing. Her eyes were filled with a mixture of complex emotions: dismay, regret, anger, and so on. After standing still for a while, his mother began to talk.

“Why… did you do this?”

Wang Jing responded with his characteristic indifference.

“I don’t think I did anything wrong. You told me to go to the kitchen and clean the dishes. I exactly followed your order. I went to the kitchen, turned on the water facet, and cleaned the dishes. At least I tried. There are so many dirty dishes left simply because I am extremely not talented in cleaning dishes. Kitchen work is not my talent. I am more talented in studying.”

“Wang Jing, do not think my word as a joke. Cleaning dishes is no matter a talent. Anyone can properly clean dishes if one has the mindset to do so. I know that you always failed to do restaurant work. You cannot serve the dishes because foods are too hot. You cannot get orders from guests because you have a bad memory. I don’t think these claims are true. You can hold a hand warmer in winter; then you can hold hot food. You don’t have a bad memory, because I know that you are good at studying. You always get an A+. That proves your great memory. What matters is your mindset. Because you don’t want to work in the restaurant, every work in the restaurant is impossible to you.”

Wang Jing’s face began to blush. This was not because of guilt. He was getting really angry.

“YES! YOU GOT IT RIGHT! HOW SMART! I can move the stinking hot food, and I can wash the filthy dishes! I know that! Yes, as you said, what matters is my mindset! Just think for a while why I came to have this kind of mindset. Try to understand me! Try to listen!”

He was throwing several chairs to the restaurant wall.

“Stop, Wang Jing! Please calm down. Just calm down and let’s have a serious talk.”

Wang Jing, trying his best to resist his uncontrollable anger, released the chairs from his fingers.

“I guess I never told you this before. To tell the truth, I hate this restaurant. This restaurant is too Chinese. Look at its name. It is called ‘Rice King.’ Doesn’t it sound completely Chinese? I hate the Chinese air floating inside this restaurant. My peers mock me because you run a Chinese restaurant. They call the restaurant ‘Rice Chink.’ The dishes are too Chinese too. People in Virginia are not used to nicked dishes. They think nicked dishes as signs of clumsiness and poverty. Many people mock me because this restaurant uses improper dishes. I also hate the smell of this restaurant. After I work here until late hours, the smell of chunjang (fermented soybean) and oil dominates my clothes. When I wear these clothes to school, my peers cover their nose and say that ‘It smells Chinese here.’ It is difficult to bear these. I feel sad because of this restaurant.”

He started to burst into tears.

“I want to become an American. All kids except me are too American. I feel too Chinese, too foreign. I don’t know where I am. I feel no sense of belonging. Everyone is different from me. I don’t know why I am here.”

His mother wiped his tears and patted his back in a consoling way.

“It is natural to feel that way. We immigrated to Virginia just few years ago. China and America are two very different countries. Chinese people like us cannot get used to America right away. Because we were raised in a completely Chinese environment, we have no choice but to run a Chinese restaurant, use nicked dishes, and use Chinese-smelling ingredients. It is not a crime to not think and behave in an American way.”

“But people do not understand this. Because so many people mock me, I come to believe that I am the inferior one.”

“No, you’re not. You are just experiencing a great change in your environment. This will pass like a mild summer fever.”

Wang Jing’s mother served him a chaojangmian (noodle with fermented soybean sauce) inside a Chinese ceramic bowl.

“Eat this, and relax a bit. Don’t worry too much about those things. You will soon get better.”

Wang Jing nodded silently.

Breaking the Science Lab

One girl is looking outside. She is inside a long-ago abandoned science lab. The lab is completely dark because the school has no electricity to spare to the abandoned science lab. The air inside the science lab is murky because a lot of dust has piled up on scientific instruments. She is overwhelmed by the complete darkness. She breathes in the murky air. She is holding a pillar attached to the door. She wants to escape. She is me. She is everyone.

I was born in this science lab. The lab was dark from the beginning. I couldn't perceive anything in the lab, my mysterious setting. The world was enigmatic, full of yet-to-be made discoveries. A yellow rubber object was put inside my mouth. I had to suck that object to drink a tasty, nutritious thing. When I lay in my bed, black-and-white objects flew over my eyes. It seemed that two other living things dwelt in the same shelter. Fortunately, they did not harm me in any occasion.

The science lab was not always a complete mystery. As I grew, I started to learn about things around me. In school I learned that the yellow rubber object is called a "pacifier," an instrument used to feed babies. I also learned that the tasty, nutritious drink I had to suck every day is called "milk," a staple food for babies. The black-and-white objects were called "mobiles," ornaments usually suspended over a baby's bed. Lastly, the harmless two living beings were my "parents," people who always love me and care for me. As I learned more about my surroundings, the science lab began to illuminate. I started to see things in the lab. I felt secure and thought that I was accumulating knowledge.

However, the security did not last long. I soon realized that the science lab was just a science lab. The lab could only provide scientific information: the how. A startling majority of information I received from various education institutions only told me the how. In my middle school math class, I learned how to calculate the roots of a second-degree polynomial but I did not know why calculating the roots was important. In my middle school ethics class, I learned how to become a good person but did not learn why I should become a good person. Apart from formal education, I learned how to live a good life from my parents or older relatives but I did not learn why I should live. Without the why, without knowing the significance, I was unstable. The air inside the science lab became murky and thick, as if the air prohibited me from striving to find answers to the question why. I was overlooking a crucial thing.

The science lab, where I was born, acted as a limitation. Because most of my education focused on the how, asking the why was considered heretical. I once asked my middle school math teacher why we need to draw the graphs of second-degree polynomials. The math teacher was first shocked to hear my question because few students asked this kind of question. Then the teacher, trying hard to hide her dismay, said that I should learn it because it is included in the curriculum. I suddenly felt the great wall of the how, and realized the need to break the science lab. The lab was not a tangible limitation, but was a limitation in my thought process.

After I realized the science lab as a limitation, I yearned to escape from the how world, just like the girl in the photograph. When I was tired with the bombarding hows fed by my education system, I sometimes sat alone in my room and thought about why I am learning what I learn. I came up with many ridiculous answers, such as that I learn math because atoms are virtually math equations. However, this attempt did not make me successfully escape the rigid frame of thought. My thoughts, floating above reality, were futile and useless. These thoughts, often seemingly well-developed, suddenly escaped from my mind and I suddenly realized the reality, the science lab, the how. My thoughts were vain attempts to break the science lab. Instead of yearning for a limitless thought process, like the girl in the photograph does, I had to find a more solid way of breaking the lab.

Sitting in the partially illuminated science lab, I found some materials that could make explosives when mixed. Breaking the wall was impossible by mere yearning, but it could be possible when I made bombs inside the lab and fired them. I started to think that the answer was inside the lab. Moreover, ironically, making a bomb to destroy the science lab became my objective of learning the how. Now, I learn a lot of hows in my school, and I find the hows significant because they can help me expand my thought. The hows I learned were not obstacles for me pursuing the why and other questions, but were building blocks that I could stand on and break the limitation of thought. The hows were somewhat meaningful, although not in themselves.

Every people face certain kinds of limitations. People sometimes want to break the limitations by looking outside the limitation, ignoring the materials inside it. However, just looking outside and hoping to escape can easily lead to futile efforts. Although my way of overcoming limitations is not complete, finding a way to escape by looking inside the limitation could be a solution.