A Letter to My Blue Blanket

Dear Blanket,

You have been with me for more than ten years. I remember my mom buying you in the States; I was five years old then. You were blue, you were butterfly-ish, you were flowery, and you were a soft new blanket. I really loved your softness, which was slightly different from that of other blankets. You covered me both in summer and winter because I loved you so much. Then I brought you from the States and moved you inside the hectic and heterogeneous school, KMLA.

You have been my cheering and consoling companion in KMLA. The hectic tick-tocking of KMLA schedule, as it did to everyone else, often drained out my energy. When I listened to a lecture in my 1^st study period and spent the 2^nd study period for club activity and then returned to my room, you always gladly greeted me and covered me with your soft, blue body. I became a long, blue caterpillar after you covered me. Your butterfly patches softly hugged me as would a mother hug her daughter. You truly restored my energy whenever I felt exhausted. Without you, I would have felt very hard to continue my study in this busy school.

You have been my shell of self-regard during most of my KMLA years. I found out that KMLA is a very heterogeneous school, with many students having different characters and different abilities. I often felt a sense of inferiority by comparing myself to other students. Sometimes other students seemed perfect and I seemed to be very inferior. Whenever I was depressed by such feeling, you called me with your sweet voice and covered me with your soft fabric. You told me to not compare myself to totally different others and to focus on my abilities. Your flowery patches ensured me a flowery future; inside your soft touch, I was imagining me fully realizing my abilities.

Nowadays, I feel that I am growing. I feel uncomfortable when I am a blue caterpillar, when I am covered with your soft fabric. The caterpillar skin was once very comfortable and consoling, but I feel too big to be confined inside the blue caterpillar. I feel that I should become a cocoon instead of a caterpillar, and turn into a butterfly, just like your butterfly patch. I came to realize that the flowery future you provided was an imagination and that I should turn into a butterfly to make the flowery imagination a reality.

Thank you for being my consoling companion. Thank you for protecting me from my self-destroying sense of inferiority. Thank you for being my butterfly-patched mother. Thank you for providing me an image of a flowery future. But I know that I cannot remain a blue caterpillar forever. I must grow up. Maybe now is the time to say good-bye.

Good bye, my old friend, my butterfly, my blue blanket.

Sincerely,

Na Yeon Kim

The Nature of Deception Manifest in "Tales of the Unexpected"

As the title Tales of the Unexpected suggests, the short stories inside this book contain a variety of turning points. Sometimes the turning points provide a plausible explanation to a seemingly mysterious chain of events, as in “Taste” and “Skin.” In other stories, the turning points expose the hidden part of the individual, as in “Man from the South,” when it is revealed that the woman engaged in multiple bets. Among these turning points, those which provide an understandable explanation to mysterious, even bizarre events, effectively portray the human nature of deception: humans often deceive others because they do not want real risk.

In the story “Taste,” a connoisseur called Richard Pratt participates in a seemingly absurd bet. Based on his numerous experiences on tasting and evaluating food and drink, he strongly insists that he can figure out the name of the wine served at a dinner. He proposes a bizarre bet: if he exactly figures out the name of the wine, he would marry the daughter of the dinner host. The dinner host, Mike Schofield, says that this bet is absurd, but reluctantly participates in the bet. Although Pratt pretends to concentrate in figuring out its name, in the end of the story it is revealed that Pratt already saw the name of the wine. Moreover, in the story “Skin,” Drioli has a tattoo on his back drawn by a famous artist, Soutine. Because the tattoo is an early work of a well-known artist, many people wants to have it, and a man states that he would give Drioli immense wealth and pleasure if Drioli gives him the picture. However, the man was actually incapable of giving Drioli the promised gift. The two stories have similar endings which remarkably reveal the deception of characters.

Such deception enables the characters to participate in a safe bet, which ensures that they would get what they want. As a result, the characters have a strong motivation to engage in deception. This ending shows that humans deceive others for the sake of their safe, 100% sure advantage. Moreover, the placement of the “revelation” of deception reflects another characteristic of human deception. The revelation is always placed at the end of the story, which provides an unexpected turning point. Such placement could be done for the sake of providing a twist, but this very placement exactly reflects deception in real life. Every liar hopes that his deception would not be disclosed forever because the liar worries that he would be in trouble when his lie is exposed. Even though the deception is revealed, it is always revealed in the end. Therefore, the “unexpected” twist in the end of the story resembles the predictable pattern of disclosing a real-life deception, and further reveals the desire for safety behind deception.

When a person deceives others, he is hiding two things: the reality and the fact that he is lying. The characters of “Taste” and “Skin” lies, respectively, that he has an extraordinary ability to figure out the name of a wine and he can provide wealth and comfort in compensation of a skin tattoo. These characters conceal the reality, that he has no ability to magically figure out the name of any wine and that he has no ability to provide wealth and pleasure, to certainly gain what they desire. Moreover, they hide the fact that they lie, a behavior represented in the placement of the revelation of deception, because they want to be safe from the troubles associated with their lies being exposed. Therefore, through his deceptive characters, Roald Dahl shows that deception is a result of the desire for safety.

Form a "claim" about The Picture of Dorian Gray

At first glance, Oscar Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Gray" might appear as a novel written to tell a moral lesson by showing the devastating result of unrestrained aestheticism. After all, when the readers consider the ending of the novel, they can easily recognize that Oscar Wilde thought Dorian's decadent deeds to be self-destroying. This claim becomes more persuasive when the readers consider the background of the novel. Many of Wilde's contemporaries thought that British society was experiencing moral decline, and they sought to restore morality of British society. However, Lord Henry, who is heavily responsible for corrupting Dorian, does not receive any punishment. Moreover, in the preface of the novel, Wilde states that "there is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book." This statement clearly shows that "The Picture of Dorian Gray" was not written to serve a purely moral purpose. Instead, Wilde states in the preface that "books are well written, or badly written." Therefore, it is perhaps more accurate to assume that Wilde wrote this novel just to write a well written novel. In this sense, the moral lessons of "The Picture of Dorian Gray" are only tools for a beautiful novel.

[Movie Review] Ben X

Title: Ben X

Starring: Greg Timmermans, Laura Verlinden, Marijke Pinoy

Rating: 8.3/10





"Show, don’t just tell” is a well-known principle that is easier said than done. Ben X, a 2007 Belgian-Dutch film directed by Nic Balthazar, is an embodiment of this principle; this movie effectively “shows” things that could sound like clichés if they were directly explained. However, because this film does not “tell” much, it does not provide a conclusive answer to the questions it raises.

This film is about a boy called Ben (Greg Timmermans) who suffers from Asperger syndrome, a disorder similar to autism. Because of his abnormality, he is severely bullied in his school. However, in the online game ArchLord, he is well respected because his game level is very high. He always plays the game with a female online user called Scarlite.

This movie conveys Ben’s Asperger syndrome by using various devices. Hypersensitivity, one of the symptoms of Asperger syndrome, is portrayed when certain sounds, such as the sound of Ben’s mother pouring orange juice, are amplified and when the camera close-ups certain body parts, such as the eye or the mouth. Furthermore, his awkward language and gesture tells the audience that he has some kind of disorder. Although the movie briefly tells that Ben has Asperger syndrome, these “clues” of this syndrome clearly shows that he is not normal. If the movie just told that “Ben is an autistic boy,” this would have sounded like a complete cliché. This film avoids such cliché by ingeniously showing the symptoms of the syndrome.

Ben X also shows that Ben cannot distinguish reality and game by juxtaposing game scene and reality. For example, when he recalls the death cross, a weapon in ArchLord, while seeing a crucifix in reality, a weapon slot of ArchLord appears beside him remodeling a crucifix into a weapon. Furthermore, while he is bullied on the bench, he makes a parallel of his situation to a game scene. These juxtapositions effectively show that Ben blurs reality and game, a situation which could have been a cliché when directly stated.

Beside from effectively conveying Ben’s characteristics, this film deals with many issues, such as autism, computer game addiction and bullying. The word play in the title of the film, “Ben X” as “Ben niks,” which means “I am nothing,” also raises a serious question; if one does not tell anything to others, does that individual become “nobody?” This film raises many questions by dealing with many complex issues, but it does not provide a definite answer.

All in all, this film is thought-provoking. It uses clever, if not fresh, means to show that Ben suffers from Asperger syndrome and a blurring of game and reality. These devices make the audience capable of sympathizing with the main character, and this persuasive description about Ben leaves some space to think. Moreover, the film throws a lump of worthy questions.

Dorian, The Flower Bud

At the beginning of the novel, Dorian is portrayed as a beautiful individual. Basil inadvertently introduces Dorian to Lord Henry and praises Dorian for his charming beauty. As Basil puts it, Dorian "has a simple and a beautiful nature." This implies that Dorian is in the state of pure beauty because he is not influenced by anyone. After Basil explains Dorian's nature, he demands Lord Henry to neither spoil him nor influence him, saying that "your influence would be bad." Basil's words act as a foreboding; they suggest that Dorian will be influenced by Lord Henry and lose his pure beauty.

Once a purely beautiful individual, Dorian Gray undergoes serious change in his character. When Lord Henry tells his view of the world, Dorian is initially perplexed. He says that Henry's words bewilder him, but this bewilderment turns out to tackle his "secret chord that had never been touched before." After going through this critical stage, contrary to his initial perplexity, Dorian gets completely absorbed into Henry's words. He listens to Lord Henry's praise of youth with wondering, open eyes. Eventually, "the sense of his own beauty came on him like a revelation," and Henry's magical words, different from Basil Hallward's compliments, somewhat influence his nature. Quickly Dorian embodies Henry's view on the world when he talks about talking during music to Lady Henry; she comments that his view is "Harry's view." Not only having the same perspective, Dorian "does everything that you[Lord Henry] say," putting Henry's words into action. Although Dorian is sometimes bothered by Henry's views, he develops a strong passion for sensation and pleasure, which is fundamentally similar to that of Lord Henry.

The pleasure-chasing Dorian experiences his initial stage of moral decline when he treats Sibyl with extreme callousness. Dorian first falls in love with Sibyl because he thinks that she is a fascinating actor. His love towards her is rather pure; Dorian is so fascinated that he follows Sibyl wherever she is on stage and is ready to totally devote himself to her. However, despite his mad love towards Sibyl, he coldly treats her when he is disappointed at her low quality acting. When Sibyl says that she could not act well because she was in love with him, Dorian coldly says that he would not see her again because she disappointed him. His cold action is fundamentally different from his past pleasure-seeking actions, such as enjoying the pleasant smell of flowers, in that his pleasure requires the sacrifice of others. When Dorian treats Sibyl with such coldness, he does not treat her as a human being anymore; for Dorian, Sibyl is just a pleasure-giving actor, so if she cannot act well, she must be harshly treated. The devastating impact of Dorian's words is clearly shown when Sibyl commits suicide, which indicates that Dorian's pleasure-seeking activity resulted in an extreme form of sacrifice. Because Dorian's action of harshly treating Sibyl is different from previous actions, the portrait of Dorian starts to show his moral decline by changing cruelly, acting as "the visible emblem of conscience." Despite Dorian's temporary return to his pure love, Dorian becomes more susceptible to Henry's words after experiencing such moral decline.

Apparently, the change of Dorian is attributed to Lord Henry, who notices that Dorian changes and is happy to influence him. However, Lord Henry is not the complete culprit of changing Dorian. Henry thinks that Dorian's change is caused because "his nature had developed like a flower, had borne blossoms of scarlet flame." This suggests that although Lord Henry significantly influences Dorian, Dorian's change can be attributed to his initial nature. This claim is partially true because Dorian epitomizes pure beauty, which is in itself susceptible and powerful. His pure beauty is susceptible to outside influences because it is pure, and it is powerful because it is capable of enthralling others. Because Dorian already possessed such beauty, Lord Henry's words strongly triggered him to become passionate in search for pleasure. Dorian's pure nature contained immense amount of power, which could be used in a good way or the opposite. Henry's words provided the initial direction of change of Dorian's pure beauty. Because such initial direction was hedonistic, Dorian naturally transformed into a hedonistic figure; the changing process involved severe events because Dorian started with great power embedded in his beauty.

To extend Lord Henry's metaphor on Dorian's nature, Dorian started as a flower bud, extremely beautiful and pure. The bud had to open when influenced by an outside force. Unfortunately, the influence was Lord Henry, a pleasure-seeking upper class. The love for plain pleasure and beauty smeared into the bud and it bloomed. The resulting flower was hedonistic, very similar to Lord Henry, but far more devastating because the flower bud had so much power. Eventually, the flower miserably fell into the soil of decadence, loss of beauty, and death.

A Day in the Restaurant

“Wang Jing, can you wash the dishes in the kitchen?”

Wang Jing’s mom spoke with a trembling voice.

“Yes mom. I will do my best.”

Wang Jing answered his mother’s question in a blunt manner, went to the kitchen, turned on the water facet, and started washing the dishes. He seemed to be irritated. He murmured some Chinese curse words and burped many times. Although 50 dishes were left, Wang Jing rubbed the same dish again and again. He seemed to feel a strange kind of pleasure while doing so. But this pleasure did not make him like washing dishes. He continued to mumble swear words.

Wang Jing also slipped one dish, breaking it into numerous pieces. He did not seem upset by his mistake. But his mistake was serious. His parents used made-in-China ceramics to serve food because the ceramics added a Chinese color to the food. These were more expensive than most dishes. His parents, who ran a Chinese restaurant in Virginia, were not rich people. One Chinese ceramic dish was important. Wang Jing just broke this precious dish.

His mother, shocked by the sound of a breaking dish, ran into the kitchen. Her eyes first saw the broken ceramics; then her eyes landed on the not-yet-cleaned dishes; finally, she slowly turned her head and looked at Wang Jing. Her eyes were filled with a mixture of complex emotions: dismay, regret, anger, and so on. After standing still for a while, his mother began to talk.

“Why… did you do this?”

Wang Jing responded with his characteristic indifference.

“I don’t think I did anything wrong. You told me to go to the kitchen and clean the dishes. I exactly followed your order. I went to the kitchen, turned on the water facet, and cleaned the dishes. At least I tried. There are so many dirty dishes left simply because I am extremely not talented in cleaning dishes. Kitchen work is not my talent. I am more talented in studying.”

“Wang Jing, do not think my word as a joke. Cleaning dishes is no matter a talent. Anyone can properly clean dishes if one has the mindset to do so. I know that you always failed to do restaurant work. You cannot serve the dishes because foods are too hot. You cannot get orders from guests because you have a bad memory. I don’t think these claims are true. You can hold a hand warmer in winter; then you can hold hot food. You don’t have a bad memory, because I know that you are good at studying. You always get an A+. That proves your great memory. What matters is your mindset. Because you don’t want to work in the restaurant, every work in the restaurant is impossible to you.”

Wang Jing’s face began to blush. This was not because of guilt. He was getting really angry.

“YES! YOU GOT IT RIGHT! HOW SMART! I can move the stinking hot food, and I can wash the filthy dishes! I know that! Yes, as you said, what matters is my mindset! Just think for a while why I came to have this kind of mindset. Try to understand me! Try to listen!”

He was throwing several chairs to the restaurant wall.

“Stop, Wang Jing! Please calm down. Just calm down and let’s have a serious talk.”

Wang Jing, trying his best to resist his uncontrollable anger, released the chairs from his fingers.

“I guess I never told you this before. To tell the truth, I hate this restaurant. This restaurant is too Chinese. Look at its name. It is called ‘Rice King.’ Doesn’t it sound completely Chinese? I hate the Chinese air floating inside this restaurant. My peers mock me because you run a Chinese restaurant. They call the restaurant ‘Rice Chink.’ The dishes are too Chinese too. People in Virginia are not used to nicked dishes. They think nicked dishes as signs of clumsiness and poverty. Many people mock me because this restaurant uses improper dishes. I also hate the smell of this restaurant. After I work here until late hours, the smell of chunjang (fermented soybean) and oil dominates my clothes. When I wear these clothes to school, my peers cover their nose and say that ‘It smells Chinese here.’ It is difficult to bear these. I feel sad because of this restaurant.”

He started to burst into tears.

“I want to become an American. All kids except me are too American. I feel too Chinese, too foreign. I don’t know where I am. I feel no sense of belonging. Everyone is different from me. I don’t know why I am here.”

His mother wiped his tears and patted his back in a consoling way.

“It is natural to feel that way. We immigrated to Virginia just few years ago. China and America are two very different countries. Chinese people like us cannot get used to America right away. Because we were raised in a completely Chinese environment, we have no choice but to run a Chinese restaurant, use nicked dishes, and use Chinese-smelling ingredients. It is not a crime to not think and behave in an American way.”

“But people do not understand this. Because so many people mock me, I come to believe that I am the inferior one.”

“No, you’re not. You are just experiencing a great change in your environment. This will pass like a mild summer fever.”

Wang Jing’s mother served him a chaojangmian (noodle with fermented soybean sauce) inside a Chinese ceramic bowl.

“Eat this, and relax a bit. Don’t worry too much about those things. You will soon get better.”

Wang Jing nodded silently.

Breaking the Science Lab

One girl is looking outside. She is inside a long-ago abandoned science lab. The lab is completely dark because the school has no electricity to spare to the abandoned science lab. The air inside the science lab is murky because a lot of dust has piled up on scientific instruments. She is overwhelmed by the complete darkness. She breathes in the murky air. She is holding a pillar attached to the door. She wants to escape. She is me. She is everyone.

I was born in this science lab. The lab was dark from the beginning. I couldn't perceive anything in the lab, my mysterious setting. The world was enigmatic, full of yet-to-be made discoveries. A yellow rubber object was put inside my mouth. I had to suck that object to drink a tasty, nutritious thing. When I lay in my bed, black-and-white objects flew over my eyes. It seemed that two other living things dwelt in the same shelter. Fortunately, they did not harm me in any occasion.

The science lab was not always a complete mystery. As I grew, I started to learn about things around me. In school I learned that the yellow rubber object is called a "pacifier," an instrument used to feed babies. I also learned that the tasty, nutritious drink I had to suck every day is called "milk," a staple food for babies. The black-and-white objects were called "mobiles," ornaments usually suspended over a baby's bed. Lastly, the harmless two living beings were my "parents," people who always love me and care for me. As I learned more about my surroundings, the science lab began to illuminate. I started to see things in the lab. I felt secure and thought that I was accumulating knowledge.

However, the security did not last long. I soon realized that the science lab was just a science lab. The lab could only provide scientific information: the how. A startling majority of information I received from various education institutions only told me the how. In my middle school math class, I learned how to calculate the roots of a second-degree polynomial but I did not know why calculating the roots was important. In my middle school ethics class, I learned how to become a good person but did not learn why I should become a good person. Apart from formal education, I learned how to live a good life from my parents or older relatives but I did not learn why I should live. Without the why, without knowing the significance, I was unstable. The air inside the science lab became murky and thick, as if the air prohibited me from striving to find answers to the question why. I was overlooking a crucial thing.

The science lab, where I was born, acted as a limitation. Because most of my education focused on the how, asking the why was considered heretical. I once asked my middle school math teacher why we need to draw the graphs of second-degree polynomials. The math teacher was first shocked to hear my question because few students asked this kind of question. Then the teacher, trying hard to hide her dismay, said that I should learn it because it is included in the curriculum. I suddenly felt the great wall of the how, and realized the need to break the science lab. The lab was not a tangible limitation, but was a limitation in my thought process.

After I realized the science lab as a limitation, I yearned to escape from the how world, just like the girl in the photograph. When I was tired with the bombarding hows fed by my education system, I sometimes sat alone in my room and thought about why I am learning what I learn. I came up with many ridiculous answers, such as that I learn math because atoms are virtually math equations. However, this attempt did not make me successfully escape the rigid frame of thought. My thoughts, floating above reality, were futile and useless. These thoughts, often seemingly well-developed, suddenly escaped from my mind and I suddenly realized the reality, the science lab, the how. My thoughts were vain attempts to break the science lab. Instead of yearning for a limitless thought process, like the girl in the photograph does, I had to find a more solid way of breaking the lab.

Sitting in the partially illuminated science lab, I found some materials that could make explosives when mixed. Breaking the wall was impossible by mere yearning, but it could be possible when I made bombs inside the lab and fired them. I started to think that the answer was inside the lab. Moreover, ironically, making a bomb to destroy the science lab became my objective of learning the how. Now, I learn a lot of hows in my school, and I find the hows significant because they can help me expand my thought. The hows I learned were not obstacles for me pursuing the why and other questions, but were building blocks that I could stand on and break the limitation of thought. The hows were somewhat meaningful, although not in themselves.

Every people face certain kinds of limitations. People sometimes want to break the limitations by looking outside the limitation, ignoring the materials inside it. However, just looking outside and hoping to escape can easily lead to futile efforts. Although my way of overcoming limitations is not complete, finding a way to escape by looking inside the limitation could be a solution.

British Literature: The Picture of Dorian Gray (Chapter 1)

In Chapter 1 of The Picture of Dorian Gray, Lord Henry and Basil discuss the portrait of Dorian Gray and Dorian himself. When Lord Henry sees the portrait, he is astonished by its beauty and suggests Basil to exhibit it. However, Basil insists that he cannot exhibit the portrait because "I have put too much of myself into it." After talking about the portrait, they start to talk about Dorian; Basil mentions that Dorian is a man with enthralling beauty and that Dorian had a profound impact on his art.

While reading Chapter 1, I thought that this chapter suggests many things on the relationship between Basil and Dorian. I could not really sense the sign of homosexuality between them, but I did notice that Basil idolized Dorian for his captivating beauty and personality. When Basil reveals his first encounter with Dorian, he says that "I turned half-way round, and saw Dorian Gray for the first time. When our eyes met, I felt that I was growing pale." He also mentions that his meeting with Dorian Gray was inevitable. Moreover, he says that Dorian was a "new personality for art," which made him capable of acquiring a different perspective and a different thought.

I wondered why Basil was so captivated to Dorian, because it is not easy for one to idolize others. I thought that Basil could be captivated because Basil and Dorian are strikingly different. They differed from their appearance; Basil had a "rugged strong face and coal-black hair," but Dorian in the portrait was similar to "young Adonis, who looks as if he was made of ivory and rose-leaves." This difference in appearance accounts for Basil fascinated by Dorian's appearance, because if Basil was beautiful like Dorian, there is no reason for Basil to admire him so much. They also differ in their thought process because Basil has an "intellectual expression," but according to Lord Henry, Dorian is a "brainless, beautiful thing." These outer and inner differences between Basil and Dorian help explain Dorian's appearance as a new personality of art. Because they were very different, Basil could develop a new world view when he met Dorian.

These differences also explain the extraordinary romance Basil has on Dorian. In many cases, people tend to imagine things about different others. For example, in the past, when middle school boys and girls were separated in different schools or classes, boys imagined that girls were completely clean and perfect, even though girls are not perfect beings. Similar to this case, because Basil knows that Dorian is different from him and believes that Dorian is much superior to him, Basil idolizes Dorian. Basil believes that Dorian is a perfectly beautiful person with a perfect, fascinating personality. Although I do not know exactly about Dorian because I did not read the rest of the book, I think that Dorian cannot be perfect as Basil thinks because Dorian is a real person living in a real world. Furthermore, Basil's claim that he put too much of himself into the portrait means that Basil put all kinds of imagination about Dorian when drawing the portrait.

While reading the story, I sympathized with Basil because I had a similar experience. I created an ideal character and continuously drew him, adding a new characteristic to my art. Similar to Basil's case, the character provided me with a new perspective. The ideal character was virtually ideal, having a perfect appearance, intelligence, and personality. I drew many similar pictures of the character, and I felt happy each time I drew him. I always drew the character on a magnetic board because I could completely erase the character. I felt that if I drew the picture on paper, someone could see the vestige of him even though I erased it. I did not want to show my character to anyone, so when someone entered my room when I was drawing, I quickly erased the character from my magnetic board. I did not know why I desperately wanted to conceal the character from others, but now I think that I covered the character because I did not want to show my romanticized character and the new world created by the character to others.

To conclude, Basil idolizes Dorian because they are different in many ways and because Basil believes that Dorian Gray is a superior being. The difference between them explains the formation of a different world view and the fantasies Basil has on Dorian.

Why do we compete?

At today's national ceremony, one 16th waver gave a speech. The speech was about the springbok. She told us that springboks continuously run because they have nothing to eat if they are not fast enough. While they run, they are not interested at eating because they are only focused on running faster than others. Because the springboks run as fast as they can, they cannot stop when they are confronted by a cliff. As a result, thousands of springboks fall to the sea and die.

The speaker told us that our situation may be similar to the springboks. We are too focused on competition so we do not know where we are going. Some of us are not interested in pursuing happiness or pleasure, which is similar to 'eating' in the springbok story. She said that we should sometimes think about where we are going, and stop competing too much. While listening to her speech, I thought that our society is sometimes too focused on competition itself. Then, I reminded myself of the final exam question.

The final exam question was writing about a hypothetical society. In the hypothetical society, everyone is very similar with oneself. Something one hates is hated by everyone, so it does not exist. Something one likes is liked by everyone, so it exists a lot. On the test paper, I wrote about an existential problem that a person living in this society might face. The person in this society might be happy, but when this person thinks about who he is, he cannot answer easily because his existence is mostly defined by others. So, he might think that he is programmed by a mysterious figure to always say "I am happy."

The reason that the speech reminded me of the final exam was because the hypothetical society looked very similar with our society. Although not everyone are similar like the hypothetical society, most people have a similar goal. Most students want to go to prestigious universities, want to get a high-salary job, and want power and honor. Many students who have the potential to become great scholars in the pure science field choose to become doctors because a doctor is known to be the stable job. Moreover, few students major in the humanities because they believe that a humanity major cannot make much money. Some may say that more people are studying the humanities today, but people study humanities more because big companies require their candidates to know about the humanities. Because many people share a similar goal, competition is intensified.

My father once told me to not become a doctor. He told me that the process of becoming a doctor is very hard by telling his experience of studying at medical college. He also said that even if you become a doctor, becoming a successful doctor is hard because there are too many competitors. He added that finding a job that you like is more important than getting a job recommended by others. Although many people believe that getting a stable job guarantees a stable life, because many others get the same job, one should win the harsh competition to live a stable life. This kind of competition is very similar to the springboks because as the springboks run for the sake of running faster than others, people compete for stable jobs for the sake of winning the competition. The more miserable thing is that this competition endures for the whole lifetime because people share many goals.

The problem of this kind of competition is that people do not know where they are going. They do not decide their own destiny and do what they like to do, but they do what the society tells them to do. They do not know why they should follow others' standard of success, but they just follow the standard of the society. They put themselves in the crowd of springboks which run without thinking where they are going. They are with many "similar people" who share similar goals. They run because they have to win others to maintain a "stable life," not a life filled with happiness. To escape this miserable state, one should come out from the springbok crowd and find their own path to happiness. Then, one would not be involved with intense competition because few people would share their goal. All people are different, but they surprisingly share a similar goal. Isn't it strange? It shows that people are not living according to their inner voice. People should find their own way to be happy.

English Composition I

The first semester of my junior year ended last Saturday, after I finished my AP Macroeconomics exam. After the test, I enjoyed the end of the semester for 10 minutes, and I cleaned the sink in my room. Then, I was too busy going back to my home. 

After arriving at my home, I tried to remember what I did at the 1st semester. I couldn't remember. I was too focused on the final exams; I abandoned everything except for studying during the exam period. I felt the futility of the 1st semester and tried to remember what I did during the semester. I first remembered what I did with my friends. I realized that there were many good people in KMLA. Then I thought about what I studied. Most subjects were focused on studying new concepts, so these subjects did not teach me many things. However, some subjects were focused on applications of various skills, such as the English composition class. In this class, I and many other students continuously applied their writing skills and creative ideas to write many essays. I thought that remembering what I did in English composition class would be a fun experience.

Because I did not perfectly remember what I did, I first looked at my blog. There were 10 posts published. The first post was not really an essay because it was simply a birthday card to my roommate. Then I wrote some posts about current issues and North Korea. I did not like writing these posts because I had a mysterious hatred towards current issues. I cannot explain why, but I did not like these topics. But writing a paper about the difference between North and South Korean language was interesting. Although I already knew that North and South Korean language were different, writing a paper about this topic gave me the opportunity to explore more about it. 

Then I posted my in-class essay titled "Caught in an Egg." This essay was based on my past experience. I thought whether I should write about this because it was my secret for many years. But I decided to write the event that happened when I was 5 years old, and I stated that this experience caught me for a long time. I also felt that deciding to write about this topic itself was an action breaking the egg. Then the class were divided into groups and each group debunked one myth. Our group debunked the camel cricket myth, which is a  myth that prevailed several months ago. I originally believed in the myth, but I realized that the camel cricket was not as dangerous to humans as I previously thought. Each of our group members posted a prezi debunking the myth in their blogs. After debunking the myth, I posted an essay about my new name, which was a "cusp." When I wrote my name to be a cusp, everyone laughed, and someone said that the name was an ode to Mr. Hinde. However, I really considered my name to be a cusp because I thought that my life would be full of cusp-like epiphanies. I liked writing this essay because thinking about my name required thinking about myself.

The last thing I did in this class was writing a metafiction. Before writing a metafiction, our class did chain writing. Each student started to write an essay, and after a certain time, the paper was passed to the person next to the student. Some essays started fine but ended hilariously. I started to write a poem about the tardigrade. After I got my paper back, I was satisfied because the poem really looked like a poem about the tardigrade. I also liked the twist at the end of the poem. I posted this tardigrade poem on my blog and I wrote a metafiction about it. In the metafiction, the tardigrade is used as a metaphor for "eternal truth", and the metafiction is a story of a genius called Arthur Strauss searching for eternal truth. Because he is a genius, he temporarily finds the tardigrade in several fields, but he fails to permanently find the tardigrade. At the end of the metafiction, he realizes that the tadigrade is impossible to be found by an individual and that the tardigrade should be gradually found. After realizing the nature of the tardigrade, the genius dies and his son reads his father's epitaph. Then his son sees the tardigrade for a second.

Through the English composition class, I realized that essay writing could be fun. In my freshmen year, I thought that essays were boring because I mostly wrote argumentative essays. However, in this class, I wrote various types of essays like the metafiction, and wrote essays about many fun topics. This class did not feel like a rigid essay class, but like a fun, interactive class that uses the essay as a method of communication.

Searching for Tardigrade

Have you ever seen
the celestial tardigrade
an organism so miniscule and keen
that it can float in the universe, a masquerade
performed by a trillion tardigrades
Isn't it too marvelous
to only appear on the AP Biology book

I was an astronomer. I studied the elements of the universe, and conducted intensive research about stars and black holes. The trillion stars scattered around the universe looked like trillion tardigrades. As I knew more about black holes, I thought that I was getting closer to the masquerade performed by many tardigrades. I was astonished every time when I acquired knowledge because I felt that I was having a more clear view of the tardigrade. My best day as an astronomer was when my assistant told me that my conjecture was proven right.

“Dr. Strauss, the IAU (International Astronomical Union) announced that your paper about the dark matter problem is correct.”

“Then, you mean that I found out what dark matter is made of?”

“Yes, they said that your conjecture was proven without any error.”

I had just solved a mystery in astronomy. I felt the tardigrade swimming inside my mind. Many newspapers started to cover my discovery.

Dr. Strauss, Solved the Ultimate Problem of Astronomy (Daily News)

The Mystery of the Universe Solved, Dr. Strauss Says (Tribune)

However, the tardigrade soon disappeared from my head. In fact, I did not solve the ultimate problem of astronomy. Many problems sprouted out from my discovery, and my instinct told me that these problems were too difficult for me. I failed to find the tardigrade. I had to find another field of study where I could find it.

This was when I was 28 years old.

Have you ever seen
the marvelous tardigrade
In case you haven't,
It becomes a ball one moment,
but at the next
turns into a pitiful raisin.
Chewy but crispy at the same time!
What marvel are you tardigrade,
Be there God's blessing on
who describes you well!

I decided to become a biologist. I thought that studying about living things would greatly help me finding the tardigrade. Realizing that the most fundamental problem in biology was about finding the source of life, I started to study life itself. I tried to revive corpses of animals into life with water, and I found that water had the power to temporarily give life to a frog. I conducted the same experiment to a mouse, a cat, and a dog. The final step was to revive human life.

I collected corpses from a graveyard near my house, and put the pieces into their right places like matching a puzzle. Then, I inserted the perfect human figure into water and added a special potion. The machine started to consume water, and I could see how the corpse changed into a living thing. The corpse suddenly contracted to a ball, and then turned into a human form by absorbing water. When I saw the creature created by myself, I was astonished. The tardigrade was once more swimming in my mind. But, similar to when I was an astronomer, the tardigrade quickly disappeared.

I was obstructed by many problems. Does the creature deserve the same treatment as a human being created by a human mother? Should the creature know ethics or law? What is the creature, or is it even a living thing? These problems were outside my capacity. I failed again to find the tardigrade. If someone was capable of well describing the tardigrade, I would have hoped God to bless his brightness.

Have you ever seen
the garrulous tardigrade
a trillion of them
each with a trillion stories to tell
If you gather all of the gems
that these talkative creature yell
that we might just be able to
fill up an encyclopedia too

I realized that I only focused on the sciences. However, starting to study humanities was too burdensome because my age was already 40. I felt that my brain was becoming inflexible and my learning abilities decreasing. I determined that the easiest way to expand my interest to the humanities was becoming a writer.

I decided to write about what I knew the most. Because I knew a lot about the universe because I studied that subject for almost 15 years, my first novel was about people travelling the universe and learning about the nature of time. I blended all things I knew about time into my novel. In the novel, time changed when the characters passed a black hole, and some recent discoveries about the universe were reflected in the novel. So the universe was very well described, very close to its real appearance.

While writing a story, I found out that I had too many things to tell. Ideas spurt out of my head and I wrote the story with one stroke of a brush. I realized that I was putting my thoughts about time and the universe. As an astronomer, I only tried to find out the facts. However, as a writer, I could include not only the facts, but my opinions. In my novel, I stated that the universe was so vast that one individual was smaller than a grain of sand when compared to the universe. I also implied that because humanity is so small compared to nature, humans should never boast that they are intelligent and great.

People told me that Time Travel, my novel, was great. They said that my descriptions about the universe were delicate. Scientists told me that the universe depicted in my novel was accurate, and was delivered in an easy way to understand. Novel critics said that my novel contained profound ideas about the identity of humanity. They said that my novel was the “standard” and “ideal” of all novels. The tardigrade swam happily in my mind, in a new way.

However, the tardigrade disappeared again. I had so many stories to tell. I felt that Time Travel did not include all the stories I wanted to tell. I became a writer who created new stories everywhere, all the time. But nearly 75% of the stories were instantly proven useless, and the remaining 25% was proven useless when I started to write a novel with them. I had too many stories, but there were no useful stories. I had to create new and developable stories, but it was too hard for me. I thought that writers who easily write complete novels were born with talent.

When I decided to quit my occupation as a writer, I was already 65 years old.

Have you ever seen
the dreaming tardigrade
who dreams of seeing the light
a light so bright
It can make wingless animals like me
to experience flight
Just like the Wright,
sometimes being fright,
but always the thing right?

When I attended high school, I listened to a philosophy class since it was a required course. Because I thought that I would be an astronomer, I did not listen to philosophy class carefully. But I still remember one story that my philosophy teacher told me.

People were living inside a cave. They were tied, so they could only see the shadows on the cave wall. Because they were accustomed to darkness, they hated light. They also thought that light was harmful because light made their eyes temporarily blind.

One day, a person cut the rope tying him and escaped the cave. He could not see the light because he lived a long time in the dark cave. But he could slowly open his eyes and see the objects outside the cave when some time passed. He was surprised to see that objects had diverse colors, contrary to the monotone shadows on the cave wall. After seeing the objects outside the cave, the person returned to the cave and told people what he saw outside. The people who lived their whole life inside the cave did not believe him and accused him as a liar. He was a philosopher.

The moral of this story is that philosophers see the true world outside the cave, but normal people often only see the fake world. Philosophers try to describe the real world but the mass do not believe them.

The philosopher’s job was to find the tardigrade. They always dreamed to see the light outside the cave. I wanted to become a philosopher, but it was too late. I was too old. I noticed that I could not be a professional philosopher, but I thought about philosophical problems when I had free time. I thought about what is humanity, what is life and death, how should a person live, and why people struggle about their existence.

I sometimes had answers to these problems. When I had answers, the dreaming tardigrade was swimming in my mind. The tardigrade was also emitting a very bright light. The tardigrade gave me wings, enabling me to enter the ideal world full of tardigrades. I was sometimes frightened to meet the tardigrade because it was so bright and great. However, I knew that the tardigrade was always right.

For the most of the time, I was a wingless creature. I seldom earned answers to these questions, and more inquiry proved that my answers were not complete. I was obstructed by the ultimate wall. My instinct told me that I could no longer continue searching the tardigrade. I was too old and weak, and I experienced difficulty learning new things. I had to stop.

Have you ever seen
the mysterious tardigrade
because I haven't
Not having a single idea
about what those guys are talking about.
I can be sure about one thing
They're not good at describing.

Look! There is the tardigrade. It is rapidly swimming inside my head. It looks like an astronomer. No, it looks like Aristotle. No, it looks like Plato. No, it looks like Newton. No, it looks like J. K. Rowling. No, it looks like Arthur Clark. It changes its form every second. It is like a boggart in the Harry Potter novel. I cannot tell how it looks like!

I see a similarity in these figures. It walks very slowly. This is the reason why it is called the tardigrade. While walking slowly, it changes its form. I see people living in the future. They are philosophers studying death. No one ever studied death until I lived.

It is celestial, marvelous, and garrulous. It is dreaming. It is continuously thinking. It is walking, very slowly. Wait! It is trying to talk to me.

“There are human beings who try to find us. They should search us slowly and calmly, just like we walk. Some geniuses try to find the tardigrade with the short and easy way, but we tardigrades are mysterious. Keep these words in your mind.”

Yes, the tardigrade was right! Why did I always try to take the easy way? The tardigrade cannot be found by studying only one field. The tardigrade continuously moves from one field to another. I tried to find the slow tardigrade while running. Naturally, I could not find the tardigrade because my speed was not synchronized with that of the tardigrade. No one can find the tardigrade in his lifetime because human life is so short. Many people should devote themselves and accumulate their knowledge when searching for the tardigrade.

I finished reciting his poem “The Mysterious Tardigrade.” My father told his story while I was reciting the poem. He was a true genius, but he was never satisfied. He achieved great things on every field he tackled, but he failed to find the never-disappearing tardigrade. He began to speak, with great effort. The shadow of death was slowly approaching him.

“My son, continue searching for the tardigrade. Most people stop searching for it when their education is over. Most of them are lured by money or honor, so they deviate from the happy and painful search of the tardigrade. Nevertheless, people should search for the mysterious tardigrade.”

After saying this, Mr. Strauss, my father, no longer breathed.

Some days passed, and his funeral was conducted. I looked at where he was buried. His epitaph came into my eyes.

Here lies Arthur Strauss, the genius of the millennium

An analytical astronomer, a devoted biologist, a descriptive writer, a dreaming philosopher, and a human who continuously searched for eternal truth

“Nevertheless, people should search for the mysterious tardigrade.”

-Arthur Strauss

I could see the tardigrade on my father’s gravestone.